Whilst cricket was ablaze over Virat Kohli’s gentle shoulder charge on his young fan Sam Konstas with ensuing demerit and modest fine, I invoked a polite debate on social media by asking the question: “Which two players – a back and someone in the pack – would each top eight Test team steal from another if they could?”
When rugby chatter draws 8000 or so views and substantive posts on the second day of the year there appears to be something to the thought experiment.
Perhaps using this indirect interrogatory reveals more clearly the actual needs of a team, even one we love or follow and want to defend from critique.
Not quite as simple as proposing the ‘du twins’ (Pieter-Steph du Toit and Antoine Dupont) for all because the gaps matter: even if du Toit and Dupont would surely start in every mythical team, the margin in quality between Tadgh Beirne and the big blonde World Player of the Year is slighter than that between the Irish locks and Eben Etzebeth, and the way Ireland want to play might make them less in need of the brilliant Toulousain scrumhalf and more interested in a finisher like Louis Bielle-Biarrey.
My proposed steals have been refined by the educated responses (some by direct message) and would be as follows:
Australia (Malcolm Marx and Richie Mo’unga)
As much as the Wallabies have grown in the year since Joe Schmidt assumed the helm, the sense is the spine is still a big shaky, particularly in the second and tenth vertebra.
A harder, ups𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁ed hooker who carries and jackals like an extra loose forward without sacrificing scrummaging and lineout precision would have given the hard-working Wallaby loose trio a lift and a break and protected the tight five from turnover.
No coincidence explains the presence in the top four teams of brilliant hookers: Dan Sheehan, Marx, Peato Mauvaka, Julian Marchand, Codie Taylor, Bongi Mbonambi, Asafo Aumua, all of whom seem a cut above the Aussie Test hookers of 2024.
A popular counter-postulate posted was RG Snyman or Eben Etzebeth, but for me, the Wallaby No.2 slot is most underwhelming at the moment.
With the pack sorted, stealing a true field general at flyhalf who can force play into the pace and place of Wallaby choosing would be tempting.
Noah Lolesio may have reached his optimal levels thus far in 2024 but Mo’unga’s floor seems higher than the Brumbies ten’s ceiling: not so much off the tee, where Lolesio is very good, but in sculpting the look of the game as a whole and putting his backline into space.
Noah Lolesio. (Photo by Jason McCawley/Getty Images)
England (Dan Sheehan and Handre Pollard)
Jamie George may be the most likable charioteer at present, but he is creaking and barely makes 50 minutes. His backups now alternate. Speed is lacking. Thus, brilliant Irish rake Sheehan appeals as a spark in attack. He finishes like a back but stays active at the rucks as well. England seems fine in the tight exchanges. They lack incisive catch-and-carry up front.
England could not seem to win the close matches. Who is better at doing that than the two-time World Cup sharpshooter Handre Pollard? Pollard fits into Leicester Tigers’ scheme well, a pattern which still bears the fingerprints of former head coach Steve Borthwick and his sidekick Richard Wigglesworth. Chronically underrated, the South African vice-captain could bring calm execution to late-match chaos. As lovely as Marcus Smith is to watch, much of his brilliance is individual, whereas Pollard makes those around him shine and best fits the old English style at ten. Win ugly, win close, but just win, 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦.
Argentina (Frans Malherbe and Finn Russell)
The Pumas had their finest non-World Cup season in history, and if one ticks off positions from 15 down, the holes emerge late: three and one (props). The shaky scrum cost Argentina at least three Test wins.
Frans Malherbe set the foundation for 24 Springbok scrums: he was pinged never.
A tighthead is the focal point (to be more precise, his connection to his hooker) for opponent scrums to attack and harvest penalties, the easiest way to earn deep red zone entries and a lineout starter play. Malherbe simply will not give foes that option easily. If he was bound to captain Julian Montoya in the front row, Argentina would have gone a long way to solutions.
Online I posed Mo’unga as a steal but on reflection I think Finn Russell is a better fit for the wild Argentine backline, full of fire and fury. Imagine the way he could whip a skip pass to 13 or find a flier at pace with cross kick.
Scotland (RG Snyman and Antoine Dupont)
The British and Irish Lions may have quite a Scottish backline with Huw Jones combining so well with Melbourne’s Sione Tuipulotu, the strike power of Darcy Graham and Duhan van der Merwe, Blair Kinghorn’s silky s𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁s and kicking range, and Russell’s apparent superiority at ten. Here is where Dupont could most obviously lift a team from fifth to fourth or higher; a Six Nations crown finally.
Up front, Scotland has honest toilers at lock with Scott Cummings and Grant Gilchrist, solid without being remarkable. Plug the big Viking offloader RG Snyman into their pack and watch it instantly become more dangerous at lineout, stronger at the scrum, and hard to contain.
France (Eben Etzebeth and Santiago Chocobares)
French players, coaches, pundits, press, and fans have embarrassed themselves with their year-long sulk about losing to the eventual champions, fixated on two or three plays which did not go their way (unconcerned with the calls which did), and none a worse loser than Jonathan Danty, who recently asserted he would not accept Pieter-Steph du Toit’s apology for a high hit, nor have a beer with him. Thus, I would replace him with joyful Santiago Chocobares, who plays centre brilliantly for Toulouse, and was one of the best midfielders over the last two seasons in the world. He seems to be able to handle a loss with grace too.
Etzebeth was probably the runner up to du Toit for World Player of the Year this year and is usually in the top five over the last decade. He is easier to lift at lineout than the French locks, can lift the long loosies, chases kicks better, is faster and more s𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁ful as well. Upgrade.
Eben Etzebeth. (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)
New Zealand (Eben Etzebeth and Damian de Allende)
Purely as cheek, I had the All Blacks ‘stealing’ Mo’unga (who would change fortunes) but my real solutions are at lock and inside centre, and both come from the team currently on a four-Test win streak over New Zealand (the match at Eden Park this year shapes massively). Dutch giant Fabian Holland (what is next, a French flank surnamed Provence?) and Sam Darry backed up by Patrick Tuipulotu are a handy engine room but it still feels like the front and back rows are more sorted. Enter Eben, who duelled Brodie Retallick from 2015 to 2023 and in the end, prevailed.
Razor Robertson went with continuity in the midfield (Jordie Barrett and Rieko Ioane) but both players, however brilliant, are makeshift specialists. Damian de Allende is a classic 12 who sets the first ruck ahead of his forwards, almost never loses possession, can break, does pass but not too much, and seems to find the holes just at the right time of a Test.
The unique role reversal in this rivalry persists, in that the more they change, the more the conflict seems the same, but it is South Africa who now innovates, the Kiwis counter.
Ireland (Ox Nche and Will Jordan)
With an almost perfectly balanced loose trio, handy locks and classy hooker, it is the leaky nature of Andrew Porter’s scrum work which feels important to address. Hence, Ox Nche, who baked so many opponents in 2024 without incurring the wrath of refs like Porter does.
Will Jordan celebrates scoring for the All Blacks. (Photo by Paul Harding/Getty Images)
In the backline, the Irish seem to lack pure speed and 𝓀𝒾𝓁𝓁er instinct. Will Jordan has a nose for the try, is clear in his approach to breaks, and wins aerials. As tough as that may be on Mack Hansen, Hugo Keenan or James Lowe, I would find him a place in the Ireland back three.
South Africa (Fraser McReight and Antoine Dupont)
The Springboks rely on a dozen fetchers to slow, spoil, or snaffle ball, but one true jackal is worth a half dozen pretenders. Fraser McReight looks like a Saffa after a Saturday night in Sea Point. Not too cut, probably likes his meat slow cooked, deceptively nasty, sneaky fast. Siya Kolisi spends more time in the trams now and is fighting Father Time. The young Red is never far from the tackle and ready to wreak havoc.
Whilst the credentials for Dupont being better than every single players who ever played are not as clear as many make them out to be, he would fit very nicely into a Bok team with his huge clearance kicks, defensive prowess, and aggression.
What do you reckon?
